Lysistrata Read online

  “The end of the war?”

  “Please don’t be so obtuse, Myrrhine. That is clearly what I mean, and I should not be required to repeat it endlessly.”

  “I am all for it,” said Lampito, “if it can be accomplished. I have had so little pleasure of my husband that he is more of an aggravation than a satisfaction. He comes home to make use of me, and then is gone again immediately to some silly place to resume the war. Besides being an aggravation, it is also rather degrading, to tell the truth.”

  “There is your mistake, Lampito. When he comes for accommodation, you should refuse it.”

  “What? Refuse accommodation? You are surely mad, Lysistrata.”

  “Yes,” said Myrrhine, “it is quite obvious that you are not thinking rationally, Lysistrata. Our principal complaint is that requests of accommodation are much too infrequent, and you would solve our problem by eliminating them entirely. The accommodation, at least, if not the requests. This is going into the fire from the pan and is, in my judgment, in no way sensible.”

  “On the contrary, it is quite sensible.”

  “How is it sensible?”

  “Yes, Lysistrata,” said Lampito, “do explain it.”

  “Gladly,” said Lysistrata, “if you will only stop chattering long enough. It is sensible because it will, after a period of sacrifice on our parts, bring about a period of plenty. We rebel, in brief, until the men meet our terms, which is peace for all. When peace is secured, as it will be if we are only sufficiently determined in this cause, our men will be at home to give us pleasure frequently instead of only once in a while.”

  “Lysistrata,” said Lampito, “you are ingenious and daring, if nothing else, and I admit that you have a point. Has such a thing ever been tried before? Will it work, do you think?”

  “Calonice and Nausica and I have tried it, and it works.”

  “Actually?” said Myrrhine. “Have you actually refused accommodation? My husband would surely beat me.”

  “I was beaten by Acron,” said Calonice, “but I was surprisingly strong and refused to concede. Isn’t that true, Lysistrata?”

  “It is,” said Lysistrata. “On the other hand, instead of being beaten herself, Nausica took a heavy stick to Cadmus, her husband. This may be possible in certain other instances.”

  “As for me,” said Lampito, “I confess that I am becoming quite excited and would be willing to try it for the sake of peace if it were not for one thing which disturbs me. I have confidence in our ability in Sparta to bring our men to terms, once we are organized, but I doubt that Athenians will ever become peaceable for any reason whatever so long as they have a trireme or a drachma.”

  “In reply to that,” said Lysistrata, “permit me to inform you that we have already taken the Acropolis, and it is even now in the hands of Nausica and her stout troops. Since the treasury of Athens, every drachma, is kept there in the Shrine of Athene, we control the public funds, as well as private accommodation, and nothing of either, believe me, shall be issued.”

  “If this is true, I am fully convinced.”

  “It’s perfectly true, and Calonice will verify it.”

  “Not only is it true,” said Calonice, “but we are expecting a counterattack of old men at any time. Consequently, we had better conclude our deliberations as quickly as possible.”

  “In that case,” said Lampito, “I am fully converted to the cause, and I shall return to Sparta at once to organize the rebellion personally. I promise the brave wives of Athens our fullest support.”

  “I, too,” said the woman of Corinth. “I shall have all female Corinthians behind me in jig time.”

  “How about the others?” said Lysistrata. “Are Boeotia and all the others with us?”

  “So far as I can see,” said Lampito, “there is absolutely no use in wasting time calling the roll, especially if the old men are due to return for battle, as you say. We are all united, that’s plain, and we had better bind ourselves to the compact by oath immediately. Is that a skin of wine lying there on the ground?”

  “Yes, it is. And that’s a large bowl beside it. Being women and therefore sensible, we shall slit the skin instead of a sheep, and swear in wine instead of blood. This is not only as effective, but a great deal more pleasant and economical.”

  “It truly is,” said Lampito. “It is clearly evident already that affairs immediately improve the instant we women begin to assert ourselves. What shall we swear?”

  “Simply that neither husband nor lover shall be accommodated until peace is secured for all on honorable terms.”

  “Well,” said Lampito, “I am sure that I speak for all in agreeing unconditionally, and I am compelled to say that the sight of the skin has my tongue hanging quite out of my mouth. Fill the bowl at once, Calonice!”

  12

  THE OLD men toiled up the hill of the Acropolis. Straggling in a long line on the steep zig-zag path, carrying enormous flaming faggots with which they proposed, if necessary, to burn down the gates, they creaked and grumbled and cursed in their beards. At the head of the ragged column, accompanied by an old fellow whose name was Draces, was no one but Cadmus. Whenever they stopped to rest, which was frequently, Draces would berate Cadmus thoroughly, and the latter was of the opinion that he had surely been subjected to all the humiliation and abuse any one man should be called upon to bear, especially a man who was basically a philosopher and asked little of life except peace and wine and an occasional pleasant feast of eels.

  Cadmus was not with the attacking force by design. In fact, it would have been difficult, if not impossible, to think of a single place he would not have preferred being. He had simply been trapped, that was the truth of it, and it was all his fault for not staying quietly at home in bed and minding his own affairs. When Nausica had left the house in the small hours of the morning, obviously bent on some development of the mischief in which she was engaged, he had rolled out and followed her, and it was bad luck for him that he had. Skulking at the bottom of the hill of the Acropolis, he had been discovered by the old men when they descended, howling for reinforcements, and it was considered entirely appropriate by everyone but him, since Nausica had led the rebel force and was preparing a defense against them, that Cadmus should do his fair share in the approaching engagement. It was this cursed old goat beside him who had actually set up the loudest clamor about it, and now he simply would not let bad enough alone, but must continue constantly to harangue and abuse Cadmus. Cadmus was sick of it.

  “I tell you, Cadmus,” Draces said, “it is utterly intolerable that you have permitted your wife to proceed so far in this deplorable conspiracy, and if you were at all adequate as a man you would have taken steps to prevent it.”

  “Well,” said Cadmus angrily, “you are a great one to be casting aspersions on my adequacy, I must say! You were charged with the care of the Acropolis, and you have retreated like the basest cowards before a small force of women armed with sticks. And it is evident, moreover, as I have learned from comments of the others, that you personally put up the sorriest appearance of all. You needn’t think, Draces, that I am deaf and did not hear how you were frightened right out of your chiton and were chased naked among the shrines with a stout stick whacking your backside every other step.”

  “I was caught at a disadvantage in the honorable performance of my duty, that’s all. It’s very petty of you, Cadmus, to ridicule me for what has happened. At least I participated valiantly in the engagement, in spite of any slanderous comments to the contrary that you may have heard or now care to invent, and this is more than you can claim, although your responsibility is clearly the greatest of all because of Nausica.”

  “You are wrong there. I am not basically responsible at all. In fact, I am as injured in this as anybody, and a great deal more than most, and you are only exposing your ignorance, Draces, to accuse me unjustly. Lysistrata, wife of Lycon, is in truth the arch conspirator who devised this rebellion and developed it. Therefore, if there must b
e any guilt by association, Lycon is the one who qualifies. Unfortunately, he has run off to the war with his friend Acron, leaving me to bear the entire stigma, and I have done nothing except to marry, long ago at a time when it was impossible to anticipate the consequences, a woman excessively susceptible to foolishness.”

  “Nevertheless, Nausica has played a principal part in the desecration of our shrines, to say nothing of having thrashed me naked with a stick, and you will see that she and her terrible companions withdraw at once, or you will pay a penalty, and it may be that you will pay one anyhow.”

  “I do wish you would quit whining about your trifling beating, Draces. I have myself been beaten three times by Nausica, and I am in no frame of mind to be overly sympathetic with you.”

  “The more shame on you, Cadmus. The idea of being beaten by one’s own wife whenever the fancy strikes her! There is certainly a difference, which you will admit if you are at all fair-minded, between being thrashed in the heat of a major engagement and weakly submitting to it in one’s own home.”

  “There is no difference where Nausica is concerned, and I must warn you that I am sick of being scolded by you, Draces, and if you don’t stop, I shall pull out your beard and kick you down the hill.”

  “Careful, Cadmus! You are in trouble enough already without getting into more by striking your superior officer, which is what I am.”

  “Superior officer, indeed! In my judgment, Draces, you are not superior to anyone.”

  “You are entitled to your judgment, I suppose, but if you are sensible you will not force me to exercise my authority. Anyhow, I can’t delay our attack any longer just to convince you of what you should already know, Cadmus. Let us get on with our duty, which is to destroy these treacherous women who have expelled us from the Acropolis and seized our shrines.”

  Getting to his feet, Draces continued up the slope, the last steep climb below the crest, and the long line behind him also got into motion jerkily, the faggots giving off thick clouds of smoke that merged and swirled and hovered overhead. As he labored upward, his back bent and his thin legs wavering, Draces grumbled incessantly and cursed the smoke of the faggots that got into his eyes and stung them cruelly and caused the tears to stream down his sunken cheeks into his beard.

  When the line of the attackers came upon the crest and moved toward the gates of the Acropolis, Draces and Cadmus came suddenly to a halt, the old men behind them piling upon one another and getting into a tangle of arms and legs and faggots and long poles. There was an uproar of cursing and complaining and shrill demands to move ahead, but Draces and Cadmus stood rooted, staring incredulously.

  “What’s this?” said Draces. “Have these rash women actually come outside the walls to meet us?”

  “Obviously they have,” said Cadmus, “and I am bound to say that they look quite fierce and determined, to say the least. Furthermore, that is clearly Nausica among them giving orders. What do you think is in the pots, Draces? If I am not mistaken, it is boiling water.”

  “It is certainly water, and I would say, from the steam rising from the pots, that it has been boiling recently, if not at this moment.”

  “Surely they wouldn’t throw it on us. That is far too depraved to be considered.”

  “If you had been present when these shameless women fell upon us with sticks in the darkness, you would not consider anything too depraved for them to do. Cadmus, I tell you that your wife Nausica is a monster who justifies all the vilifications of Euripides. Previously, I was always inclined to think he exaggerated in the matter of the duplicity of women, but now I realize that he was far too conservative.”

  Nausica, while Cadmus and Draces held up the attackers, had arranged the defenders before the gates to suit her, and now she turned and recognized Cadmus for the first time. She was clearly amazed to see him in such circumstances, and for a moment she could not speak at all, though she had intended to speak at once in defiance of the old men with their faggots.

  “Is that you, Cadmus?” she called finally. “Is it a fact that you have not yet been sufficiently beaten and have come here like a simpleton to be beaten again? Very well. It is not necessary to wait any longer, for I have my stick here and will gladly accommodate you in this respect, although in no other. You, too, Draces. Do you wish another beating? I see you have put on your chiton again, and I must say that you look much more presentable than when I chased you naked among the shrines.”

  “Do you hear the woman taunt me, Cadmus?” Draces said furiously. “As her husband, do you intend to stand here like a coward and tolerate such absolute insolence?”

  “As to that,” said Cadmus, “I am moving forward as fast as you are, Draces, which is not at all. I suggest that you demonstrate some of the courage you accuse me of lacking.”

  “Cadmus, your irresponsibility is simply beyond belief. This ferocious woman is admittedly your wife, and it is your duty to see that she does not cause trouble for honest folk who wish only to be left alone.”

  “Well, she may be my wife, which I can’t deny, but you are the one she is insulting at present. Don’t expect me to defend you on every occasion, Draces. It won’t do. You are obligated to do a few things for yourself.”

  “Curse me, Cadmus, I tell you frankly that I have always considered you a questionable fellow, but you have turned out to be far baser than I ever dreamed! As your leader, I demand to know what you propose to do.”

  “I propose to let you lead, as a matter of fact, since you are so insistent upon being a leader.”

  “Oh, I see that I can depend upon no one, and must do everything in this perilous business for myself. Stand aside, please, and give me room.”

  More than willing for once to obey orders, Cadmus did as he was told, and Draces took two cautious steps forward and addressed Nausica in a loud voice, after waving his smoking faggot about his head a few times for effect.

  “Nausica, you shameless woman,” he said, “if you do not wish your backside roasted by this faggot which you see in my hand, I charge you to disperse your wanton rabble and return to your home this instant.”

  After the conclusion of his ultimatum, which he considered conservative and well-spoken, a shrill cackling of derision rose from the body of women before the gates, and the shrillest and most terrifying of all was the cackling of Nausica herself. Draces paled perceptibly and took a quick step backward.

  “Are you serious, Draces?” Nausica said. “Do you honestly expect us to submit meekly to a nasty old man who jumps out of his chiton at the first raising of a stick? It is clear from the way you hesitate and prod yourself with words that you are nothing but a windbag. If you wish to roast my backside with your faggot, I invite you to come forward and try, and I promise that you shall soon see what our pots of water are for.”

  “I can bear no more!” cried Draces. “I absolutely can bear not another insult from this unspeakable woman who desecrates our shrines and mocks their keepers.” Raising his smoking faggot he flourished it again above his head, causing it to burst suddenly into flame. “Forward!” he cried. “Forward into the citadel!”

  He had not intended to issue the command so precipitately. Goaded into a kind of frenzied indiscretion by Nausica’s mockery, as well as by his own brave words, he did not allow himself time to assume a more tactical position of command, slightly more to the rear, and he was caught in the sudden surge of old men and propelled in spite of himself toward the ferocious Nausica. Picking up her pot, she dowsed him thoroughly with hot water and was upon him in an instant with her terrible stick. To make matters worse, the shock of the water caused him to drop his faggot, thus depriving him of his only weapon, and all he could do, being prevented from running by the press behind him, was to dance wildly in a futile effort to avoid the stick, and to cry out in a shrill voice for immediate help. All around him was a welter of action, which was characterized primarily by flailing sticks and howling old men, and which was made all the more sinister in effect by a great hissing an
d boiling of steam and smoke as water struck the faggots.

  “Cadmus!” cried Draces. “Curse me, Cadmus, if you do not rescue me from your vicious bitch this instant, you will surely suffer severely!”

  But Cadmus did not hear, and he certainly would not have responded if he had. He was by that time, in fact, a substantial distance down the zig-zag path on his way to the foot of the hill. Reacting more shrewdly and promptly than Draces to the occasion, he had immediately fallen flat on his face when the impetuous command to advance had been given. He had thus avoided being trapped by the surge that had carried Draces to his unfortunate engagement with Nausica. To be sure, he was somewhat trampled by the old men, but this was, in his judgment, preferable to being beaten and scalded.

  Behind him on the path, he could hear the groans and wheezing of Draces’ retreating troops. The old fools, so far as he could see, were as great a menace as the rebellious women, and they could not understand that a man with a philosophical turn of mind simply was not cut out for this sort of rude business. It was true, of course, that Socrates himself had twice performed military service, but this was clearly exceptional and could not be taken as an example of what should be expected.

  He did not even wait for the others at the foot of the hill.

  13

  “NAUSICA,” SAID LYSISTRATA, “you have been inspirational and indispensable from the start, and I wish to commend you.”

  “I seem to have a particular knack for military affairs,” said Nausica, “and that’s the truth.”

  “I understand that the old men were thrown into confusion and disorder without delay. You have certainly acquitted yourself nobly, there’s no mistake about that. Do you anticipate still another attack?”

  “No, I don’t, though we shall be prepared in any event. They were utterly routed and demoralized, and I consider it unlikely that they will venture again to accomplish what we have plainly demonstrated to be impossible. Oh, they were perfectly ludicrous, to tell the truth, and you would have laughed to see them coming up the hill with their chitons flapping around their spindly shanks. They waved their silly faggots and made threats against our backsides.”