Lysistrata Read online

  6

  “THE EELS are delicious,” said Cadmus. “As something of a connoisseur, I declare that I have never eaten better.”

  “I agree,” said Acron. “They are truly superior.”

  Leaning over from the couch on which he lay propped on one elbow, he helped himself to the esteemed fish and popped a generous bite into his mouth. The table was loaded with vegetables and cheese and grapes and flat honeycakes, in addition to the eels, and a slave was present to pour wine as it was needed, which was frequently.

  “It’s the cook,” said Lycon. “He’s an insolent fellow and would rather lie than tell the truth, even when the truth would be an advantage, but I suppose it is necessary to overlook such things in someone with genuine talent.”

  “That’s true,” Cadmus said. “It has always been the practice to excuse exceptional talent from a strict adherence to the rules. Consider Socrates, for example. There is no question but that he is sceptical of our gods and teaches unusual doctrines in the marketplace, but he is properly excused because he is a philosopher with more brains than is ordinary, and in my opinion he may even be remembered by our grandchildren.”

  “Well, I don’t know that I agree with you entirely,” said Acron. “I agree that he is excused, since no action is taken against him, but I disagree that it is proper. It is no small matter to doubt the gods, which is an attitude that may bring disaster upon us all, and I predict that he will eventually come to a bad end.”

  “The trouble with Socrates,” said Lycon gloomily, “is that he has a bitch of a wife.”

  Acron, detecting a special significance in the remark, looked at Lycon with open sympathy. Helping himself to a cluster of grapes from the table, he ate three in succession before responding.

  “True,” he said. “I am more inclined to excuse him on the grounds of his wife than on his exceptional brains. If I had a wife like Xanthippe, I would be a philosopher also.”

  Cadmus, aware of subtleties which he couldn’t quite grasp, looked sharply from Acron to Lycon and back again. Acron continued to eat grapes, and Lycon looked into his wine gloomily.

  “Regardless of the grounds on which you may be inclined to excuse him,” Cadmus said, “it is certain that he is an exceptional man and is therefore falsely accused of many offenses by people who are not exceptional at all. You will have to admit that this is a common practice and always has been. Recall, for instance, the persecution of Pericles himself. And as for the disaster you fear he may bring upon us, this is nonsense comparable to the charge that he corrupts the young.”

  “Well,” said Lycon, “it is apparent that something is bringing disaster upon us, for we are being beaten by Sparta these days at every turn.”

  “Perhaps,” said Acron, looking at Cadmus with sly malice, “it is because we eat too many eels. Wasn’t the eating of flesh considered a cardinal sin by your precious Empedocles, Cadmus?”

  “It’s true,” said Cadmus, “that Empedocles believed in transmigration and therefore condemned the eating of all flesh as the cannibalistic consumption of reincarnated humans.”

  “That was my impression. I am no authority on Empedocles, as you are, but I am bound to say that I can’t understand how you can profess to follow his teachings and still be a connoisseur of eels. Perhaps that very bite you now have in your fingers is a morsel of Empedocles himself.”

  “Considering that there are millions of eels and only one Empedocles, the odds are against it. Moreover, I reject the theory of transmigration. It is possible to accept the substance of his teaching without swallowing all the details.”

  “That’s because you would rather swallow the eels. Do you believe that he miraculously cured the sick and practiced magic and was in fact, as he claimed, a god?”

  “As for me,” said Lycon, “I no more believe that he was a god than I believe he is now an eel. To tell the truth, this discussion bores me more than a little, and I don’t know how we got into it.”

  “We were trying to decide why the Spartans are beating us at every turn,” explained Acron. “You are the one who brought the subject up, Lycon, if you will kindly remember.”

  “Well, I didn’t intend to initiate an interminable discussion of the theories of Empedocles, which is all too easy to do where Cadmus is concerned. I am convinced that our misfortunes can be explained more simply.”

  Cadmus shrugged and consumed another bite of eel. He washed the bite down with wine and extended his empty goblet to the slave for a refill.

  “I must say, Lycon,” he remarked amiably, “that you are quite touchy this evening. After all, it is only the most basic hospitality to let your guests bore you if they please. If you had not just returned to the pleasures of Athens from Pylos, I would swear that you are not happy.”

  “I apologize for my bad manners,” said Lycon. “As you have detected, I am somewhat depressed by something that has occurred.”

  “Rather, something that has not occurred,” Acron said.

  He laughed at his little joke, and Lycon looked at him with distaste and did not join in the laughter. As for Cadmus, he was palpably confused and curious and did not know if it was proper to be amused or not.

  “I believe,” he said, “that there is a meaning in these remarks that I don’t grasp.”

  “Quite likely,” Lycon said.

  “Well,” Acron said, “I propose that we sing some odes. The singing of odes will sometimes work wonders in lightening the spirit.”

  “I don’t believe I care to sing any odes,” Lycon said. “Excuse me, please.”

  “You don’t care to sing odes?” Cadmus said. “Really, Lycon, you are in a deplorable state. A merry feast among friends is hardly complete without the singing of odes.”

  “Nevertheless, I don’t care to sing any.”

  “Perhaps you would care to tell us what is depressing you. Whatever it is, it is obviously critical, and you are surely aware that it is dangerous to keep such things entirely to yourself. I had a friend who did that when he suspected that his consort was entertaining a minor poet on the side, refused to tell a soul about it, and he eventually went mad, if you’ll believe it, and had to be confined.”

  “Well,” said Lycon bitterly, “I certainly see no necessity for singing odes to cheer me up so long as you are here to talk to me, Cadmus. You are probably one of the most cheering influences I have ever encountered.”

  “He is curing you with words,” said Acron, “which is something he learned from Empedocles. Isn’t it true, Cadmus, that Empedocles claimed to cure various diseases and maladies with words?”

  “At the risk of being considered inhospitable again,” said Lycon, “I would like to request that we avoid bringing Empedocles into the conversation.”

  “All right,” said Cadmus. “I can easily see that my solicitousness is not wanted. Excuse me for imposing my attention upon you.”

  “Oh, come off, Cadmus. You mustn’t become offended.” Lycon signaled the slave to replenish goblets. “I suggest that we drink some more of this good wine, which is from the Cyclades and is infinitely superior to words, if you ask me, in the curing of depression.”

  “Good wine is hard to beat,” said Cadmus. “You are right there. Would you believe that a fellow tried recently to convince me that beer is a superior drink?”

  “Beer is for barbarians,” Acron said.

  “The man was obviously a maniac,” Lycon said.

  United in favor of wine, they applied themselves to the drinking of it. Cadmus belched and did not even bother to ask pardon. He was trying very hard to act indifferent to the obvious fact that Lycon and Acron had a secret between them that they were determined not to share, but all he accomplished was to give the appearance of being sulky. It was not fair or courteous, in his judgment, for two friends making merry at a feast of eels and other good things to keep a secret from a third. The harder he tried to achieve an attitude of indifference, the more offended he felt, and the sulkier he looked. He was, in fact, beginning
to feel that the situation smacked of conspiracy, and that he was somehow being made a fool of. The only honorable thing to do in the circumstances, he thought, was to retire with dignity.

  “Although I am enjoying the eels and the wine,” he said after a few minutes, “I now feel that I must leave.”

  “Leave?” Acron looked at him with astonishment. “Why must you leave? It’s quite early yet, Cadmus.”

  “Yes, it is. It is far earlier than I would ordinarily leave the table of a friend, but I definitely feel that I am an outsider here, and not wanted.”

  “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Cadmus,” Lycon said. “Of course you’re wanted.”

  “Nevertheless, it is not courteous of you to make sly references to something which I am not permitted to know. It’s disconcerting to me, as you must surely realize.”

  “I apologize.”

  “That does not alter the situation in the least.”

  “Well, I can see that you are determined to know what it is that depresses me. It’s a personal matter, and rather humiliating, but I am prepared to tell you rather than have you accuse me of being deficient in hospitality. As a matter of fact, it’s Lysistrata.”

  “Lysistrata? That’s difficult to believe. I’ll tell you frankly, as a friend whose motives are surely above suspicion, that Lysistrata is a woman who can disturb a man in various pleasant ways, but I find it incredible that she can be depressing. Especially to her husband who has just returned after seven months in Pylos.”

  “At any rate,” said Lycon, “it’s true. Lysistrata has depressed me.”

  “If you say so, it must be true, but I can scarcely believe it.”

  “She has refused to receive him in her bedchamber,” Acron said.

  “What? What’s that?” Cadmus turned to Acron with his eyes bulging a little. “Did I understand you properly? She has refused to accommodate her husband?”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “Well, isn’t that treason or mutiny or some kind of crime? Surely she can be beaten or renounced for such behavior!”

  “True. Besides a beating or renunciation, there are also several other permissible actions that could be taken, but all of them, in the end, are no more than unsatisfactory alternatives to what is really desired.”

  “I can see that,” said Cadmus. “I certainly can. When did she refuse you, if I may ask?”

  “Only this morning. I went to her at once like a devoted husband, of course.”

  “I can see that you behaved correctly, and have nothing to reproach yourself for. Did she attempt to explain her unreasonable attitude?”

  “Feebly. She said that I was gone so much that she had lost the habit and was considering the study of philosophy as a substitute. Apparently she is annoyed because the war takes up more of my time than she thinks proper.”

  “Women are constantly complaining about the war, including my own wife, but I have never before heard of one taking such a radical position, and I don’t mind saying that I consider it a serious menace to us all. Suppose it were adopted by women generally.”

  “Knowing Athenian women, I hardly think that likely.”

  “Did you think it likely of Lysistrata?”

  “No, I didn’t, as a matter of fact. It never once occurred to me.”

  “Well, then.”

  Cadmus ate a few more grapes and drank more wine, but now he seemed to get no pleasure from either. He looked at Lycon as if, on second thought, he held his host responsible for getting into difficulties that might have to be shared by others, including Cadmus.

  “I declare, Lycon,” he said crossly, “you have quite spoiled my pleasure in the evening. I am a peculiarly sensitive man, and always easily disturbed by abnormalities of this sort. I believe that I had better go home at once, and if you want my advice, I would tell you to settle this business to your satisfaction immediately. Have you seen Lysistrata since this morning?”

  “You know I have not, since we have been at the market together.”

  “You see? You have so disturbed me with this news that I am unable to think clearly. Well, perhaps Lysistrata is already repentant and is waiting for you at this moment to demonstrate it.” Cadmus rose from his couch and shook out his chiton. “Goodnight, Lycon. I thank you for your hospitality and apologize for having questioned it. Are you going my way, Acron?”

  “I suppose,” said Acron, “that I might as well, since you are clearly determined to spoil the fun. Good-by, Lycon. It is my opinion that we have exaggerated the importance of this pigheadedness of Lysistrata’s, and I predict that it is a temporary condition that will be changed within thirty minutes after our departure.”

  “I hope you are right,” Lycon said.

  He showed Cadmus and Acron to the door and then returned to have a little more wine. He drank the wine while the slave cleared the table. Drinking and considering Acron’s prediction, he convinced himself that his friend was certainly right, though he may have been a little optimistic in the time element. Convinced by thinking and fortified by wine, he went down the passage to his wife’s room.

  Lying on her bed in the thin purple gown, Lysistrata was eating grapes. The flame of the terra-cotta lamp, spreading its light across her, created an exceedingly interesting pattern of suggestion. She placed a single grape between her teeth and bit into it daintily, permitting the sweet juice to run into her mouth. Looking at Lycon, she said nothing. As for him, he was sorely tempted to resort to direct action, but on the other hand, he was sufficiently wary to feel that more might be accomplished in the end by an oblique technique.

  “Well,” he said, “I have had Cadmus and Acron to dine.”

  “That’s very nice, I’m sure,” she said politely. “I hope you enjoyed yourselves.”

  “Up to a point, Cadmus and Acron had a pleasant time, both of them being perfect pigs about Boeotian eels. But I confess that I was unable to get into the proper spirit. The eels were delicious, by the way. Both Cadmus and Acron commented on them. Your supervision and preparation were excellent, as always.”

  “I’m compelled to correct you. In this case, my supervision and preparation were not excellent because, as it happens, I had absolutely nothing to do with the dinner.”

  “No? How can that be? It is an inviolable custom for a wife to supervise the preparation and serving of dinner for her husband and his guests.”

  “It may be a custom, but it is not inviolable, for I have violated it.”

  “I swear, you seem determined to try me beyond endurance. I simply cannot understand you.”

  “I am not determined to try you at all. As I explained this morning, I have merely adjusted to the necessity of foregoing certain pleasures and customs, and I see no sense whatever in taking up again what I would only have to relinquish again in a little while. This on again — off again existence causes excessive stress and becomes quite disturbing after a time, and it is much more comfortable, I have decided, to be one way or the other permanently.”

  Resisting an urge to beat her thoroughly without further delay, he decided that the most effective attitude would be a kind of good-humored tolerance of what was, of course, her temporary whimsy.

  “Oh, this morning!” he said. “Do you suppose for an instant that I took your little joke seriously? I assure you that I’ve had several good laughs over it since, and I have now returned to resume our natural relationship in the best of humor.”

  “Have you, really?” she said. “Well, I only hope that you will be in just as good a humor when you leave, but I seriously doubt it, for I will tell you directly that I don’t intend to accommodate you voluntarily until you give up your foolishness and stay at home like a sensible person.”

  “I’m becoming convinced at last that you actually mean to persist in this insanity.”

  “It’s a fact that I do.”

  “It’s monstrous, that’s what it is. Quite apart from my health and honor, which are certainly in jeopardy, what would become of Athens if your attitu
de were generally adopted?”

  “I dare say Athens would stop killing other Greeks and start doing a little more honest work.”

  “Do you want us to stop defending ourselves? Would you have Sparta overrun us entirely?”

  “Oh, nonsense. The women of Sparta are certainly as sick of masculine idiocy as the women of Athens. It’s my conviction that they would be only too happy to cooperate in ending it.”

  “Well, never in my life before have I heard such perfect silliness on such a grandiose scale! Do you think all the women of the Peloponnesus have lost their minds at precisely the same time you have clearly lost yours?”

  “As for that,” she said, “instantaneous insanity among the men of the Peloponnesus is a common enough occurrence, so I can’t see why you should consider it an impossibility among the women.”

  “Are you bound to infuriate me to the point of violence?”

  “Not at all. Now that I have clarified my position, I am even prepared to be amicable. Would you care for a grape?”

  Taking another herself, she bit into it and sucked its sweet juice into her mouth and disposed of the skin and seeds and pulp in a small bowl that she had beside her for the purpose. The sight of this bit of minor sensuality had the strange effect of inflaming Lycon almost beyond reason, and he felt that he would certainly do no less than foam at the mouth and twitch in the muscles, as Acron had warned, if he lingered a moment longer. Besides, he was now convinced that she was surely mad and possibly dangerous. Turning away, he went back to his room and was miserable.

  7

  THE NEXT AFTERNOON, Lysistrata was in the kitchen annoying the cook when Theoris came to find her. She was not in the kitchen because it was in any way essential, but simply because it was pleasant on occasion to putter about the house, and the cook wished that she would go away and leave him alone. He was well aware of his rather exalted station as a man of extraordinary talent in his trade, and this caused him to feel secure in the assumption of a certain air of independence, but he was a shrewd fellow and also aware, on the other hand, that his independence was severely qualified by slavery. Not wishing to force an issue that could only be uncomfortable to himself in the end, he had learned to judge with a nice precision the almost exact limit of Lysistrata’s tolerance. He was allowed to grunt and look sullen, which he did, but not to be overtly abusive, which he never was.